He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
she peed on how many people?
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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