The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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