I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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