This is not my ceiling
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
