Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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