im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
