i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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