My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
