I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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