I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Randomize
