smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Randomize
