They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
