I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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