I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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