dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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