I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
