i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Randomize