its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
