frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
