before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
