We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
