i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
