Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
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