Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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