she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
