It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize