Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
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