Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
