I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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