So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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