before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize