sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
