Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
