That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
