too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
