and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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