She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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