just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
