so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Dick very happy bro
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
