smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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