I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
