I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
i think i just lost a toe
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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