after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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