The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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