It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
