who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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