please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
