i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize