Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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