I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
