My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
