sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Green mimosas i think yes
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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