Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize