I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
