just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize