Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
