On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
