He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
