Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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