sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
